After memory returns
I slipped out of bed with Baen and went and sat outside. The mask I’ve been wearing slipping away. I’ve got this knot inside me, I still don’t know how I went crazy and that scares me. Maybe it was Kelsen, I don’t know. I wish I’d been the one here when he came and knew what had happened but in my reality Kelsen never came. And there’s something else. Baen made a joke in passing about the courts of Mab and Titania and ever since it’s been playing in my mind. It’s been a long time since I journeyed to those courts of Fae and in all honesty my last trip was not pleasant. Mab and I had, shall we say, a disagreement. I have no idea if she is over it. Mab knows how to hold a grudge.
I’ve been trying to put it all aside. It’s been easy with these dreams I’ve been having. Dreams I’ve been sharing with Baen. It’s hard to know what to make of this soul touch as he called it. I know I’m beginning to develop feelings for him. I don’t let just anyone kiss me, what? I don’t. The list of men who have locked lips with me isn’t as long as some might imagine, not by a long shot. But Baen is different, I’ve slept in his bed three or is it four nights now and while we have kissed a couple of times and I’ve slept in his arms it hasn’t gone any further. I’m not used to that. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, not at all. I quite like it. And I like the way he calls me princess. Okay he’s not the first to call me that, Huck did too, so did Will. But I like it when Baen calls me that, and I love that he woke me with a kiss. Yes the fairy tale addiction is strong in me but hello, fairy here. I’m already living the fantasy of you mortals.
All my memories are still very fresh in my mind. It’s like everything happened yesterday and at times that can be a little overwhelming. I feel like I don’t have the same closure that time brings to memory, especially with certain memories. Baen bought up things he regrets doing because of being influenced by his work and I nearly cried thinking about that poor farm girl I butchered for Morpheus. Gods the memory is so fresh and clear. I can only hope it all fades again. I can still feel every heartbreak so clearly right now and it’s killing me just a little bit. My eyes fill with tears when I think about Bryn, just like they used to nearly a century ago. And Kelsen is so fresh in my mind and knowing he came back, he came for me…but where is he now? It’s all very confusing. It’s no wonder my dreams are all over the place.
The dreams, it’s amazing. I’ve never dreamed with anyone else before, not like this and even though the dreams are nonsense in so many ways I’m still happy to be sleeping. When I’m sleeping my brain isn’t there and involved. It’s easier to forget the churning inside of me. But I’m sure it will pass, healing is never a wham bam fix for anything, it takes time. I’ll be okay. I hope.
